His first church visit! - After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!" The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!" The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"! The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!" And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"
Left and Right - Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?" "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"
Mickey: No Divorce From Minnie - The judge said to Mickey "I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy" and Mickey said, "I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"
Run Mr Taliban Song... - Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song) Day-O...oh Day-O, Air force come and they flatten your home Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding, Air force come and they flatten your home Hey USA, USA, USA... Air force come and they flatten you home 60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters, Air force come and they flatten your home Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter, Air force come and they flatten your home When we finish you all be crying, Air force come and they flatten your home, Pilot is brother of New York fireman Air force come and they flatten your home
What is a country song played backwards? - Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
Twins - Headline in today's newspaper: "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake"!
The Flashlight - Why did the little girl burry her flashlight? Because the batteries died.
Blowing Bubbles - Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?
Safety tip - Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive
The phone call... - A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
When I get out..... - A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
The fully fledged alaskan - There's this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want's to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska. So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan. The barnabs say's "First you drink this liter of whisky, then you've got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her." The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it. He comes back a week later beaten to shit. "What happened to you?" said the barman. "I'm nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman"!
28 - Worlds "shortest" books! 25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book...... 1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton
Felines - Why are felines the best ever animals? Because they're purrrrrrrfect and grrrrrreat!
Favorite Wine - Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"